Bang!

This is not at all what I normally write. In fact, it's so far off from what I normally write that I have no idea where it came from. My writing club called it "creepy." I'm curious, what do you think? Is it creepy?

 Bang! The flash from the gun blinded me, or at least, it would have. I shrank back, making myself as small as possible.

“You can't hide from me,” his slurred voice rang out through the pitch black room. “I know you're in here.”

How, I wanted to ask. I almost did, opened my mouth and everything, but stopped myself at the last moment. How had he known where to find me? After all of these years, how did he catch up with me now? And why? Why did he have to reappear in my life when everything was finally going well?

“Come out, come out where ever you are.”

His taunting voice made me flinch. How many times had I heard those words from his lips? As children it had been a part of a game; his favorite game, though I'd never cared for it. Now he'd turned it into something sinister, evil.

Bang! The gun discharged again. A line of fire traced along my arm, nearly making me cry out. I managed to stuff my fist in my mouth before I could. I had to get out of here, had to get away, had to prove that he couldn't beat me. Not this time.

“Come on now Sparrow, you know I wont hurt you.” Bang! He laughed, shooting the gun off again and again.

How did I get myself into this mess? I asked silently as I slowly began to ease toward the door. What had I done to deserve this kind of fate? What signs had I missed, that day fifteen years ago, when I had first been introduced to this monster? Most importantly, how did I get away?

“Not even little birdies can hide forever. I will find you.”

My hand groped along the wall, desperately searching for the door handle. He continued to shoot at random through the room as he taunted me, trying to draw me out. I stopped listening, bent on escape.

An eternity later, my hand finally gazed the door knob. Escape, at long last I could get away, could...

The lights flickered on, revealing his face not two inches from mine. He grinned, his head cocking to one side. “Found you.”

Maddy

This is sort of a piece from a one of my books, but not really because I haven't actually started the book yet. I wrote this for my writing club, but it was a lot longer than I'd thought it would be so I never shared it with them.

I fidgeted, looking away. “I don't know that either.”

“She's not your daughter?”

“Madelyn is my daughter in every way that matters,” I said in a low voice, reaching out to take the hand Madelyn had extended to me.

“But you didn't give birth to her?”

“No. I am not her biological mother.”

“I... I sense a rather long story.”

Sighing, I squeezed Madelyn's hand, then released it. “Go play, Sweatheart.”

“I could tell him the story,” she offered.

I smiled and ruffled her arms around my legs, then ran off again. I looked at Nate. “This is a long story.”

“I have all the time in the world.”

Rolling my eyes again, I started to walk again. “I've always been a painter, ever since I was really little. Younger than Maddy, probably. My parents thought it was cute, at first. I never got Dad's opinion on it—he died when I was ten—but when I told Mom I wanted to make my living on my paintings, she laughed in my face.”

Nate winced. “That must have hurt.”

I shrugged. “It should have, but mostly it just made me determined to prove her wrong. I started taking classes at a local college when I was eighteen. One night, as I was walking home from my class, I heard a strange noise coming from an alley. I expected all of my reflexes to tell me to ignore it to walk away, but somehow I had to know what was making that noise, so into the alley I went.”

“And you found Madelyn?”

I nodded, a smile stretching across my face. “I found the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen in my life, all wrapped up in a blanket. I looked around, but didn't see anyone, so I picked her up and took her with me.”

“How did your react?”

“She was furious, said I had no right to bring a screaming infant home with me. I didn't think that was fair, as Maddy hadn't made a sound since I'd picked her up, darling child that she is. Mom said if I wanted to keep the baby, I couldn't do it at her house.”

“She kicked you out?”

I nodded. “So I took what I owned and went to stay at a friend's house. Her mom had eleven children, and taught me everything she could about having a baby. After a few months I get a job painting a portrait and moved out. Maddy and I have been moving around ever since, following what ever job I could get. We stayed with my mom for a little but, when Maddy was older, but she tried to take over, and I couldn't have that.”

“That's horrible.”

I shrugged, watching Maddy run through leaves. “I've done the best I can for my little girl.”

“Do you ever regret it?”

“Never. I have never in my life regretted her. She's my life, Nate. I would do anything for her.”

“I know,” Nate said simply. We walked in silence for a moment, then he reached out and put one arm around my shoulders. “I know.”

I stepped closer to him, enjoying the warmth of one of the best men I had ever met.

Ready for Revolt

This is sort of a rewrite of a short story I did ages ago. It was in my head, so I wrote it down again

     The forest has always held a very special place in my heart. It was in the forest that I had my very first memory, the dappled sunlight dancing across my mother's face. It was in the forest that I hid when I first found out I was different. It was in the forest that I learned how to handle my new abilities to control myself. It was in the forest that he found me, in the forest that he had helped me return to humanity.
     It was to the forest that I went now. The first inklings of light had begun to seep through the atmosphere when I slid out of my sleeping bag and into the trees. At first I moved quickly--just to get away from the camp, so I wouldn't wake anyone up--but slowed down once I was far enough away. For a moment I stood still and breathed in the stillness of the morning.
     It amazed me how still the forest could be, no matter the turmoil of the world. Amazed and grateful; peace was exactly what I needed today.
     "Stressed?" a voice asked from behind me.
     I turned to see David standing a few feet away, his hands shoved in his pockets and leaning against a tree. I smiled just at the sight of him, this man who had saved my life more times than I could count. "Did I wake you?"
     He shrugged, his posture completely casual. "I was awake, worrying about today. I saw you get up and followed. How are you holding up?"
     My eyes strayed to the leaves above us. "Today an entire civilization goes to war because of me, how do you think I'm holding up."
    David's face was entirely too serious. "They're not going to war for you Elaine, they go to war for the hope of a better life. You just happen to be the symbol of that hope they've been looking for."
     "Yeah, I know. Still." A small laugh managed to escape my lips.
     Straightening, David came forward and wrapped his arms around me. I leaned into the safety of his embrace. Once again he was saving me, taking the stress upon his shoulders. It amused me that he was always coming to my rescue. I was, after all, supposed to be the hero.
     "Elaine," David said after a long silence.
     "Yes?"
     "Don't forget to come back."
     I shifted until I could lean up and kiss his cheek. "I never do."

Now, just for comparison sake, here's the original draft of this that I wrote, which is, once again, from ages ago. I'm pretty sure I was a sophomore when I wrote it.

     I stood alone in the forest, leaning against a tree. I stared up at the thick green leaves above me and thought about what was about to come. I was going to lead forty thousand people in a revolt against a government that thought too well of itself. What was I thinking to agree to this?
     A noise from behind startled me. I launched off of the tree and turned, ready to attack. When I saw who it was though, I relaxed and went back to leaning against the thick trunk, staring up. “What are you doing here?”
    Ashton laughed quietly. I could almost feel his smile, though I wasn't looking at him. Once again I thought that I knew him too well. “What else would I be doing here?” he asked quietly. “I'm looking for you.”
     I rolled my eyes. “I told you not to when I left.”
     I felt his smile fade, almost like the air around me was suddenly sadder. “It's almost time.”
     I looked at him, frowning as well. “Ashton, I don't think I'm ready.”
     He walked over and placed his hands gently on my shoulders. “You have to be ready. The fate of all of our lives is on your shoulders.”
     I rolled my eyes again. “You're being over dramatic. Again.”
     He flashed his lop-sided grin that always made my heart flip-flop around in my chest. His eyes were deep green with gold flecks sprinkled through them. When he was angry, those flecks sparkled and flashed like lightning. Now, they looked dull and sad. I had known Ashton since we were three. We had always been friends, though we had gone through phases through the years when we were too cool for one another. However, we had always been there to support one another. In fact, it had been Ashton who had helped me through everything that had happened over the last few months. He had been my greatest support.
     Now his eyes were serious and sad. “I'm not being all that over dramatic. We need you.”
     I dropped my eyes to look at the dirt under my feet. “I know. That's why I'm so frightened.”
     Ashton pulled me into a tight hug. “You're not alone, Cassie. You've got all of us. You'll be great.”
   I thought of all of the people back in the little cabin thirty-two feet away from where I stood. Twenty people, people that I had known throughout my life. I thought of every person in any of the two thousand cabins we were using. Each cabin was five miles away from those closest to it. Some of them I knew, most of them I didn't. Each with their own strengths and weaknesses. Each willing to give up their lives to take back what was rightfully ours. Each waiting for the exact moment in time when we would finally fight back.
    And me: their leader. The majority of the people didn't even know who I was, but they were ready to believe what they had heard about me and help me do what I had to. Seven months ago, I was just another normal girl, living in a world that left a lot to be desired. Now, I was anything but normal. I was their leader, and we were going to make our world a better place.
     Ashton was my main adviser. Though almost no one knew it, he was their real leader. They looked to me to help them fight this war, but I looked to him to tell me what to do. It was Ashton who had chosen the leaders of each cabin, the people that would lead nineteen other people into war. It was Ashton who came up with the plan, and Ashton who figured out how we could pull it off. It was Ashton who had helped me through all of the changes my body went through and helped me to master my new talents in the least amount of time possible.
     “We'll pull through this,” he said now. “We have to.” He held me close to him, stroking my hair and rocking me gently back and forth, trying to comfort me.
     I nodded, wrapping my arms around his neck. I was thankful for this moment alone in the woods, when I didn't have to pretend to be the fearless leader everyone else needed to see. To be able to admit that I was weak and afraid, if only to one person.
    We stood like that for a long time, just holding each other. I'm ashamed to admit that I was crying, but in my own defense, it was a very stressful moment. Finally, I pulled away, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “It's nearly time.”
     Ashton looked at his watch and nodded. “Yes it is. Are you ready?”
     I bent my knees slightly, flexing the muscles in my legs. “I think so.”
    “Good.” He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling it out of his face. “Look Cassie, before you go, there's something I need to tell you.”
     I grabbed my left ankle with my right hand, stretching my leg out. I raised one eyebrow, but didn't speak.
    “You know I don't like thinking about this, but there's going to be a lot of fighting today. There is a chance that one of us will not come back.”
    I nodded, watching him intently while I grabbed my right ankle with my left hand.
    “So, with that possibility in mind, I would just like to tell you...” He paused, then tried again, “that um...” he paused again, “I...well.” He frowned, looking down at his feet.
    I smiled, realizing that he was nervous. I placed both feet on the ground, then took a step toward him. I placed a finger under his chin and pulled his face up to look at me. Laughing quietly, I said, “I love you too. I think I always have.” His eyes widened with shocked delight. Without giving him a chance to reply, I stepped even closer and pressed my lips to his. His arms circled my waist, pulling me closer to him.
     A moment later, an internal alarm went off in my head. I sighed and pulled away. “It's time.”
    He nodded, his eyes sad. He dropped his arms. “Make sure you come back in one piece. I don't want to loose you now.”
    I kissed him gently one more time. “You too. I love you.” I dropped into a crouch. Using all of the power in my legs, I launched myself into the air at a speed that made me dizzy. I rushed toward the tree branches, which parted before I reached them. I flew higher and higher, gaining miles quickly. When I reached the appropriate height, I slowed to a stop, floating thousands of miles above the earth. Mentally reaching within myself. I grabbed the supply of light I had been storing up every moment I had been in the sun for the last few weeks and pulled it out to encircle me. The result was a blinding light that could be seen from several thousands of miles in any direction. It was a signal to the forty thousand people waiting for it. A signal for the attack.

Blogging

As you can probably tell, I'm not a very good at blogging. The truth is that I am a journal writer, and not all that interested in writing a blog AND journal, I would just have to write everything twice and I don't think all that many people really care about what I do in my day to day life. And so the question I had to face was: what do I do with my blog? I don't want to just stop posting like I did with my last one, but I don't want to have to feel like I have to write about my life, because then I wont do it. Then, as I was writing a letter to my fabulous brother, I had an idea: why not take the awesome stories I'm writing in my writing club and put them up on the blog?
Anyone who has been following me on Facebook knows that I have been going crazy for this writing club I'm in now. It is amazingly fun and I love it. Every week we get together and as part of our meetings we do "fifteen minutes writes" where our club president sets a timer for fifteen minutes and we spend the time writing, then get to choose whether or not we want to share. I've also been writing other little things just because I find it fun.
Now, I'm not going to promise that all of these stories are going to be any good, only that I will try and find the time to type them up and post them here, on my blog. I'll also probably throw in a few stories from my life that I simply found humerus. Well, until that first story blog :D

Snow

Well! Here I've been at Snow for six days and I haven't even posted in my Snow College blog yet! But, in my defense, things have been rather busy. I moved into my new dorm on Saturday August 20. It was super nerve wrecking. I spent most of the day in abject terror. My dad made me talk to everyone we had to talk to: for the first time in my life he didn't do my talking for me. I guess I understand why, seeing as now I don't have him around at all, so I have to do it all myself anyway, but it didn't help my fragile emotional state.

The worst part of Saturday was saying goodbye to my dad. I love him so much, and after he was gone I didn't have anyone. I closed myself up in my dorm room (which I have all to myself) and unpacked. I didn't cry. I didn't even really feel the need to cry. But I did need to be alone. I unpacked and listened to the sound of my room mates and their families talk and chat and what not. Or at least, I did until I put my earbuds in my ears and shut out even that part of the world around me.

But, despite how horrible that part was, the rest of the last six days has been pretty awesome. I have amazing room mates who are so much fun to talk to! We all get along great, and so far we're doing an awesome job of keeping the dorm clean. I've been more social in the last six days then I have been in the last six months! The college has thrown some kind of get together every night since I've been here, except for Sunday (of course). Saturday night the Institute threw a dance, Monday night there was a Mix and Mingle. Tuesday they had a movie night (Thor, if you were wondering), and last night there was a Hoe Down thrown by some kind of country dance club. The only one I missed was the movie, because I was in desperate need of some alone time! Instead I stayed home and worked on my latest cross stitch, which already looks beyond amazing.

My classes are so much fun. I have Political Science with Professor Kerry D. Hansen, who could not be more like Mr. Meikle (my government teacher last year) if he tried. He's balding, loves the government, and likes to tell jokes. And I've only had one class with him. Every day I have math with Professor Brian (or maybe Brandon) Hansen (same last name, different teachers). There are two things that I truly hate in this world: Math and yellow. My math classroom is painted yellow. It's sooooo oppressive  in there. But that teacher isn't SO bad. I mean, I don't really like him, but I've never really liked a math teacher.

My english teacher, on the other hand, is amazing! I love her to death all ready, and I've only had one class. One class that she let us out early of (maybe that's why I love her).

Anyway, life is going good. I'm tired of typing, so I'm going to read or do homework or something (most likely read) I'll post again when I feel like it :D

Dreaming

I hate him today.

That was my very first thought this morning. The very first sentence that entered my brain. I hate him today. 


Not a very promising start to my day, to say the least.

You see, I had a dream last night about my ex-boyfriend. You know, the one guy who ever stole my heart that it seems I still haven't gotten over. I'm working on it, of course, but I have yet to actually succeed in my endeavors. I've gotten better, since I moved to Utah. Nothing here reminds me of him (except for, you know, Layton, but I've managed to avoid it so far), so I'm able to finally move on.

I don't hate him every day. Indeed, most days I don't think about him at all. I have so many better things to do than think about the guy who broke my heart. But I had a dream about him last night. I don't know why he was in my brain enough to enter my dream, but that's the way it is. Which especially sucks because I had been having a dream about spending the day with a friend of mine that I particularly miss, Grace Lovelady.

And the minute I woke up my very first thought was I hate him today. Not a very particularly promising start to what turned out to be not a very particularly promising day. But that's just the way such things go.

Anyway, I have predictably thinking a lot about that boy I prefer to only call Jerk Face (especially on days that I hate him). I've been thinking, why did I ever even love him in the first place? So I did what I always do when I need to get away from particularly unpleasant thoughts: I spent most of the day reading.

The book I was reading (this thought is related, by the way, so just hold in there) was How Do I Love Thee by Nancy More. It was basically a novel depicting the romance between Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Robert Browning. A romance I have known of all of my life (for obvious reasons, as I have been called Emily Barrett Browning several times) though never knew the exact details of. It was, put simply, amazing.

And yet it made me think about my own lack of romance. Elizabeth was 40 years old when she and Robert were married, which means of course that I have plenty of time to find that perfect romance. Which I know and understand. But reading about romance makes me want romance, in a way I simply can't explain. Yet, there is no romance in my life. Nor is there any chance of romance in my life for the next 26 days (that's when I go to Snow, my dad found out for me).

It also made me wonder how I ever managed to fall in love with Jerk Face in the first place. He has absolutely no skill with words. Often times he'd get so tongue twisted that he couldn't speak (which I, being blinded by love, found endearing), couldn't communicate what he needed to say. The romance between Elizabeth and Robert was one of words. For the first four months of their relationship their only way of speaking was through words, for they had not met. And the words they shared were so inspiring that it's little wonder that they fell in love.

Which begs the question, how did I--a woman (it feels so weird calling myself a woman, but I suppose that is what I am now) who loves the written word, who can only express her true feelings through the written word--fall for a guy who had absolutely no talent with words? Love is blind, I suppose.

This entry feels scattered, and I'm not sure I expressed my point the way I wanted to, but this is what has been on my mind today.

Marriage.

Just a few weeks ago, everyone in my life told me "If you get married any time soon, I will kill you." (That is a direct quote, by the way). It's all I've heard for a very long time, ever since I came up with the whole "I'm going to get married on November 11, 2011 (11.11.11), in fact. My parents say it, my leaders said it, just about every adult in my life, including my friend Candice, has said it.

So, just to be clear, all I've heard lately is "Don't get married."

Well, in the two Sunday's I have attended Single's Ward, I've discovered that many things in my life have changed. First off, I haven't heard a Sister (Last Name) or Brother (Last Name) except in reference to the bishopric and their wives, very strange, but understandable.

Second, and the purpose of this post, is that the speaker in Sacrament meeting on Sunday had exactly one topic to his talk. "Hurry up and get married!" I found this HILARIOUS. In the matter of less than a month I went from "Don't you dare get married" to "Why aren't you married yet?" (Not that I really thought he was talking directly to me. I feel like such a baby in the YSA ward, my dad said it's because I am.) If I hadn't been having such a panic attack, I would have laughed right there in the middle of Sacrament Meeting. It's amazing how quickly some things change.

Shy

One thing a lot of people don't know about me is that I'm shy. A few people do know, because they happened to meet me when I was, hm, let's say "out of my element." For example, if you met me when I first moved into the Shadow Creek ward, you probably know that I am shy. If you met me the first week or so that I was at A-TECH, you might remember that I am shy. However, once I get comfortable in my situations, all of my shyness vanishes leaving a vibrant, outgoing young woman that no one would ever assume was shy. It's just the way I am. So if you met me in any of my later years in either the Shadow Creek ward or A-TECH, the idea of my being shy would be unbelievable to you. Indeed, even if you met me in the Harmony Hills ward, it would be hard for you to believe. (I'm not really sure what happened with HH, I think it might be possible that Heavenly Father knew I wouldn't have the time to do my "I'm too shy to talk to anyone" act, so he made it possible for me to overcome it just for that year, that situation).

Anyway, this being shy thing has really been a problem for me in my life. When I'm in an uncomfortable situation--like, for instance, a new ward or school--my entire system shuts down. My frightened spirit flutters around in my body completely locked down, unable to escape. My thoughts are unfocused and panicked, I can't concentrate on anything. The smile that usually so easily graces my lips becomes tight and forced. I can speak to the people around me, but only if they speak to me first, and even then only in short, one to two word answers. It's very stressful, and very fatiguing. I tend to get sick after I get out of said uncomfortable situation, with a headache and such like.

That said, I think you might understand when I say I tend to avoid situations I'm uncomfortable in. It's what prevented me from going to dances, both school and church, for the majority of my youth. I take Dennis with me to the movies so that he can buy my ticket and I don't have to talk to the teller. If I could, I would take Dennis with me everywhere I went, so I never had to talk to anyone. (If I ever get rich, I really am going to hire someone to talk to people for me).

Now, having THAT said, I think you really will understand that the number one thing I hate about moving is going to church. Everything else I can put off, but I have to go to church. Don't get me wrong, I love going to church, I just hate shutting down. I hate the way being shy makes me feel, and any time I enter large groups of people, I feel shy. So, therefore, I hate the way going to church makes me feel. This move this was made worse by the fact that I went to a singles ward for the first time. Which meant that I was a situation that would have been strange any way, and the only person I knew in the entire building was my brother.

Suffice it to say that going to church has not been a good experience for me.

The experience of my first Sunday here was made even worse than it already was by the fact that it was Fast Sunday. I love Fast Sunday's, because they make me feel great spiritually, but they make me feel terrible physically. I get sick from it. So, I was sick for the majority of my first Sunday here.

My second Sunday I didn't attend church. I just couldn't. After my first Sunday, I just... I couldn't do it again. It hurt too much, I was too exhausted. Plus, Dennis was at a National Guard thing, so I would have been all alone. I just couldn't deal with it. It made my heart ache, missing church, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go it alone. But I made a promise with myself, and with my God, that if I stayed home that Sunday, I would go every other Sunday this summer.

So, against my better judgement, I went to church yesterday. And you know what? It was better. Dennis and I found out that we had gone to the wrong ward that first Sunday. (Two singles wards meet in the same building at the same time) We went to the correct ward, and everything was just... better. I wasn't trapped. I still couldn't really speak up, but I wasn't in complete lock down. I was still shy, but I wasn't surrounded by an iron wall. I don't know if it was because the ward was more welcoming, or if it was because I had asked Heavenly Father to make it better. It just was. :D

A new start

Ok, so... I was just thinking that since I moved and everything and so many people will no longer be updated on the events of my life by my endless prattle, I should probably start a personal blog. I started one before, but I never actually did anything with it. Hopefully this blog will go better. I decided to name it Snow College because (as my parents keep reminding me) I will very soon be going to Snow, and most of my posts will be made from there.

First of all I should probably say that my writing doesn't tend to be as wonderful as usual when I type out what I want to say. This is why I go through all the trouble of writing out entire stories, then typing them. If I don't write it first, it just doesn't come out right. But I don't think I'm exactly going to have time to write out blog posts before typing them. Unless of course I just type up my journal for everyone to read, which simply isn't going to happen.

Anyway, I have been living in Utah now for exactly two weeks and one day. I think I'm slowly loosing my mind. Too much... I don't know, Utah, I guess. It could also be that, until today, my family was living with my grandparents. We decided to stay with them until we found somewhere that we could stay on our own, at first thinking that we could stay with them for two or three months. My father, brother, and I started loosing our minds within the first few hours. My grandparents are, well, old. My mom loved it of course, because they are her parents and she doesn't really see all of their craziness the way the rest of us do. It's hard to explain just what about my grandparents makes it impossible to live with them, so I'm not going to try. Just know that these last two weeks have not exactly been pleasant.

Luckily, my dad saw that this apartment complex really close to my grandparents house was leasing out apartments before we had even officially moved in. He jumped on the chance, and today we moved into an apartment of our own. It's really tiny (850 square feet) which is a big adjustment, but at least it is our. There are only two bedrooms (which means I have to share a room with Dennis) and one bathroom, but Dennis and I will both be moving on to bigger things at the end of August. (As my parents keep reminding me).

I can't say I have anything to complain about the weather here, which is fabulous. It gets so cold at night though that I need a sweater. My Las Vegas blood is not used to cold temperatures. At all, but I'm sure I'll adapt. I hope I'll adapt quickly, as I hate being cold.

There isn't really anything else to say, right now anyway. I'm not happy with my new life, but I'm not miserable. I'm sure life will improve as I get settled in. (of course, I'll move again about as soon as I get settled in, but whatever). Life goes on.