I hate him today.
That was my very first thought this morning. The very first sentence that entered my brain. I hate him today.
Not a very promising start to my day, to say the least.
You see, I had a dream last night about my ex-boyfriend. You know, the one guy who ever stole my heart that it seems I still haven't gotten over. I'm working on it, of course, but I have yet to actually succeed in my endeavors. I've gotten better, since I moved to Utah. Nothing here reminds me of him (except for, you know, Layton, but I've managed to avoid it so far), so I'm able to finally move on.
I don't hate him every day. Indeed, most days I don't think about him at all. I have so many better things to do than think about the guy who broke my heart. But I had a dream about him last night. I don't know why he was in my brain enough to enter my dream, but that's the way it is. Which especially sucks because I had been having a dream about spending the day with a friend of mine that I particularly miss, Grace Lovelady.
And the minute I woke up my very first thought was I hate him today. Not a very particularly promising start to what turned out to be not a very particularly promising day. But that's just the way such things go.
Anyway, I have predictably thinking a lot about that boy I prefer to only call Jerk Face (especially on days that I hate him). I've been thinking, why did I ever even love him in the first place? So I did what I always do when I need to get away from particularly unpleasant thoughts: I spent most of the day reading.
The book I was reading (this thought is related, by the way, so just hold in there) was How Do I Love Thee by Nancy More. It was basically a novel depicting the romance between Elizabeth Barrett Browning and Robert Browning. A romance I have known of all of my life (for obvious reasons, as I have been called Emily Barrett Browning several times) though never knew the exact details of. It was, put simply, amazing.
And yet it made me think about my own lack of romance. Elizabeth was 40 years old when she and Robert were married, which means of course that I have plenty of time to find that perfect romance. Which I know and understand. But reading about romance makes me want romance, in a way I simply can't explain. Yet, there is no romance in my life. Nor is there any chance of romance in my life for the next 26 days (that's when I go to Snow, my dad found out for me).
It also made me wonder how I ever managed to fall in love with Jerk Face in the first place. He has absolutely no skill with words. Often times he'd get so tongue twisted that he couldn't speak (which I, being blinded by love, found endearing), couldn't communicate what he needed to say. The romance between Elizabeth and Robert was one of words. For the first four months of their relationship their only way of speaking was through words, for they had not met. And the words they shared were so inspiring that it's little wonder that they fell in love.
Which begs the question, how did I--a woman (it feels so weird calling myself a woman, but I suppose that is what I am now) who loves the written word, who can only express her true feelings through the written word--fall for a guy who had absolutely no talent with words? Love is blind, I suppose.
This entry feels scattered, and I'm not sure I expressed my point the way I wanted to, but this is what has been on my mind today.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Marriage.
Just a few weeks ago, everyone in my life told me "If you get married any time soon, I will kill you." (That is a direct quote, by the way). It's all I've heard for a very long time, ever since I came up with the whole "I'm going to get married on November 11, 2011 (11.11.11), in fact. My parents say it, my leaders said it, just about every adult in my life, including my friend Candice, has said it.
So, just to be clear, all I've heard lately is "Don't get married."
Well, in the two Sunday's I have attended Single's Ward, I've discovered that many things in my life have changed. First off, I haven't heard a Sister (Last Name) or Brother (Last Name) except in reference to the bishopric and their wives, very strange, but understandable.
Second, and the purpose of this post, is that the speaker in Sacrament meeting on Sunday had exactly one topic to his talk. "Hurry up and get married!" I found this HILARIOUS. In the matter of less than a month I went from "Don't you dare get married" to "Why aren't you married yet?" (Not that I really thought he was talking directly to me. I feel like such a baby in the YSA ward, my dad said it's because I am.) If I hadn't been having such a panic attack, I would have laughed right there in the middle of Sacrament Meeting. It's amazing how quickly some things change.
So, just to be clear, all I've heard lately is "Don't get married."
Well, in the two Sunday's I have attended Single's Ward, I've discovered that many things in my life have changed. First off, I haven't heard a Sister (Last Name) or Brother (Last Name) except in reference to the bishopric and their wives, very strange, but understandable.
Second, and the purpose of this post, is that the speaker in Sacrament meeting on Sunday had exactly one topic to his talk. "Hurry up and get married!" I found this HILARIOUS. In the matter of less than a month I went from "Don't you dare get married" to "Why aren't you married yet?" (Not that I really thought he was talking directly to me. I feel like such a baby in the YSA ward, my dad said it's because I am.) If I hadn't been having such a panic attack, I would have laughed right there in the middle of Sacrament Meeting. It's amazing how quickly some things change.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Shy
One thing a lot of people don't know about me is that I'm shy. A few people do know, because they happened to meet me when I was, hm, let's say "out of my element." For example, if you met me when I first moved into the Shadow Creek ward, you probably know that I am shy. If you met me the first week or so that I was at A-TECH, you might remember that I am shy. However, once I get comfortable in my situations, all of my shyness vanishes leaving a vibrant, outgoing young woman that no one would ever assume was shy. It's just the way I am. So if you met me in any of my later years in either the Shadow Creek ward or A-TECH, the idea of my being shy would be unbelievable to you. Indeed, even if you met me in the Harmony Hills ward, it would be hard for you to believe. (I'm not really sure what happened with HH, I think it might be possible that Heavenly Father knew I wouldn't have the time to do my "I'm too shy to talk to anyone" act, so he made it possible for me to overcome it just for that year, that situation).
Anyway, this being shy thing has really been a problem for me in my life. When I'm in an uncomfortable situation--like, for instance, a new ward or school--my entire system shuts down. My frightened spirit flutters around in my body completely locked down, unable to escape. My thoughts are unfocused and panicked, I can't concentrate on anything. The smile that usually so easily graces my lips becomes tight and forced. I can speak to the people around me, but only if they speak to me first, and even then only in short, one to two word answers. It's very stressful, and very fatiguing. I tend to get sick after I get out of said uncomfortable situation, with a headache and such like.
That said, I think you might understand when I say I tend to avoid situations I'm uncomfortable in. It's what prevented me from going to dances, both school and church, for the majority of my youth. I take Dennis with me to the movies so that he can buy my ticket and I don't have to talk to the teller. If I could, I would take Dennis with me everywhere I went, so I never had to talk to anyone. (If I ever get rich, I really am going to hire someone to talk to people for me).
Now, having THAT said, I think you really will understand that the number one thing I hate about moving is going to church. Everything else I can put off, but I have to go to church. Don't get me wrong, I love going to church, I just hate shutting down. I hate the way being shy makes me feel, and any time I enter large groups of people, I feel shy. So, therefore, I hate the way going to church makes me feel. This move this was made worse by the fact that I went to a singles ward for the first time. Which meant that I was a situation that would have been strange any way, and the only person I knew in the entire building was my brother.
Suffice it to say that going to church has not been a good experience for me.
The experience of my first Sunday here was made even worse than it already was by the fact that it was Fast Sunday. I love Fast Sunday's, because they make me feel great spiritually, but they make me feel terrible physically. I get sick from it. So, I was sick for the majority of my first Sunday here.
My second Sunday I didn't attend church. I just couldn't. After my first Sunday, I just... I couldn't do it again. It hurt too much, I was too exhausted. Plus, Dennis was at a National Guard thing, so I would have been all alone. I just couldn't deal with it. It made my heart ache, missing church, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go it alone. But I made a promise with myself, and with my God, that if I stayed home that Sunday, I would go every other Sunday this summer.
So, against my better judgement, I went to church yesterday. And you know what? It was better. Dennis and I found out that we had gone to the wrong ward that first Sunday. (Two singles wards meet in the same building at the same time) We went to the correct ward, and everything was just... better. I wasn't trapped. I still couldn't really speak up, but I wasn't in complete lock down. I was still shy, but I wasn't surrounded by an iron wall. I don't know if it was because the ward was more welcoming, or if it was because I had asked Heavenly Father to make it better. It just was. :D
Anyway, this being shy thing has really been a problem for me in my life. When I'm in an uncomfortable situation--like, for instance, a new ward or school--my entire system shuts down. My frightened spirit flutters around in my body completely locked down, unable to escape. My thoughts are unfocused and panicked, I can't concentrate on anything. The smile that usually so easily graces my lips becomes tight and forced. I can speak to the people around me, but only if they speak to me first, and even then only in short, one to two word answers. It's very stressful, and very fatiguing. I tend to get sick after I get out of said uncomfortable situation, with a headache and such like.
That said, I think you might understand when I say I tend to avoid situations I'm uncomfortable in. It's what prevented me from going to dances, both school and church, for the majority of my youth. I take Dennis with me to the movies so that he can buy my ticket and I don't have to talk to the teller. If I could, I would take Dennis with me everywhere I went, so I never had to talk to anyone. (If I ever get rich, I really am going to hire someone to talk to people for me).
Now, having THAT said, I think you really will understand that the number one thing I hate about moving is going to church. Everything else I can put off, but I have to go to church. Don't get me wrong, I love going to church, I just hate shutting down. I hate the way being shy makes me feel, and any time I enter large groups of people, I feel shy. So, therefore, I hate the way going to church makes me feel. This move this was made worse by the fact that I went to a singles ward for the first time. Which meant that I was a situation that would have been strange any way, and the only person I knew in the entire building was my brother.
Suffice it to say that going to church has not been a good experience for me.
The experience of my first Sunday here was made even worse than it already was by the fact that it was Fast Sunday. I love Fast Sunday's, because they make me feel great spiritually, but they make me feel terrible physically. I get sick from it. So, I was sick for the majority of my first Sunday here.
My second Sunday I didn't attend church. I just couldn't. After my first Sunday, I just... I couldn't do it again. It hurt too much, I was too exhausted. Plus, Dennis was at a National Guard thing, so I would have been all alone. I just couldn't deal with it. It made my heart ache, missing church, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go it alone. But I made a promise with myself, and with my God, that if I stayed home that Sunday, I would go every other Sunday this summer.
So, against my better judgement, I went to church yesterday. And you know what? It was better. Dennis and I found out that we had gone to the wrong ward that first Sunday. (Two singles wards meet in the same building at the same time) We went to the correct ward, and everything was just... better. I wasn't trapped. I still couldn't really speak up, but I wasn't in complete lock down. I was still shy, but I wasn't surrounded by an iron wall. I don't know if it was because the ward was more welcoming, or if it was because I had asked Heavenly Father to make it better. It just was. :D
Friday, July 15, 2011
A new start
Ok, so... I was just thinking that since I moved and everything and so many people will no longer be updated on the events of my life by my endless prattle, I should probably start a personal blog. I started one before, but I never actually did anything with it. Hopefully this blog will go better. I decided to name it Snow College because (as my parents keep reminding me) I will very soon be going to Snow, and most of my posts will be made from there.
First of all I should probably say that my writing doesn't tend to be as wonderful as usual when I type out what I want to say. This is why I go through all the trouble of writing out entire stories, then typing them. If I don't write it first, it just doesn't come out right. But I don't think I'm exactly going to have time to write out blog posts before typing them. Unless of course I just type up my journal for everyone to read, which simply isn't going to happen.
Anyway, I have been living in Utah now for exactly two weeks and one day. I think I'm slowly loosing my mind. Too much... I don't know, Utah, I guess. It could also be that, until today, my family was living with my grandparents. We decided to stay with them until we found somewhere that we could stay on our own, at first thinking that we could stay with them for two or three months. My father, brother, and I started loosing our minds within the first few hours. My grandparents are, well, old. My mom loved it of course, because they are her parents and she doesn't really see all of their craziness the way the rest of us do. It's hard to explain just what about my grandparents makes it impossible to live with them, so I'm not going to try. Just know that these last two weeks have not exactly been pleasant.
Luckily, my dad saw that this apartment complex really close to my grandparents house was leasing out apartments before we had even officially moved in. He jumped on the chance, and today we moved into an apartment of our own. It's really tiny (850 square feet) which is a big adjustment, but at least it is our. There are only two bedrooms (which means I have to share a room with Dennis) and one bathroom, but Dennis and I will both be moving on to bigger things at the end of August. (As my parents keep reminding me).
I can't say I have anything to complain about the weather here, which is fabulous. It gets so cold at night though that I need a sweater. My Las Vegas blood is not used to cold temperatures. At all, but I'm sure I'll adapt. I hope I'll adapt quickly, as I hate being cold.
There isn't really anything else to say, right now anyway. I'm not happy with my new life, but I'm not miserable. I'm sure life will improve as I get settled in. (of course, I'll move again about as soon as I get settled in, but whatever). Life goes on.
First of all I should probably say that my writing doesn't tend to be as wonderful as usual when I type out what I want to say. This is why I go through all the trouble of writing out entire stories, then typing them. If I don't write it first, it just doesn't come out right. But I don't think I'm exactly going to have time to write out blog posts before typing them. Unless of course I just type up my journal for everyone to read, which simply isn't going to happen.
Anyway, I have been living in Utah now for exactly two weeks and one day. I think I'm slowly loosing my mind. Too much... I don't know, Utah, I guess. It could also be that, until today, my family was living with my grandparents. We decided to stay with them until we found somewhere that we could stay on our own, at first thinking that we could stay with them for two or three months. My father, brother, and I started loosing our minds within the first few hours. My grandparents are, well, old. My mom loved it of course, because they are her parents and she doesn't really see all of their craziness the way the rest of us do. It's hard to explain just what about my grandparents makes it impossible to live with them, so I'm not going to try. Just know that these last two weeks have not exactly been pleasant.
Luckily, my dad saw that this apartment complex really close to my grandparents house was leasing out apartments before we had even officially moved in. He jumped on the chance, and today we moved into an apartment of our own. It's really tiny (850 square feet) which is a big adjustment, but at least it is our. There are only two bedrooms (which means I have to share a room with Dennis) and one bathroom, but Dennis and I will both be moving on to bigger things at the end of August. (As my parents keep reminding me).
I can't say I have anything to complain about the weather here, which is fabulous. It gets so cold at night though that I need a sweater. My Las Vegas blood is not used to cold temperatures. At all, but I'm sure I'll adapt. I hope I'll adapt quickly, as I hate being cold.
There isn't really anything else to say, right now anyway. I'm not happy with my new life, but I'm not miserable. I'm sure life will improve as I get settled in. (of course, I'll move again about as soon as I get settled in, but whatever). Life goes on.
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