Shy

One thing a lot of people don't know about me is that I'm shy. A few people do know, because they happened to meet me when I was, hm, let's say "out of my element." For example, if you met me when I first moved into the Shadow Creek ward, you probably know that I am shy. If you met me the first week or so that I was at A-TECH, you might remember that I am shy. However, once I get comfortable in my situations, all of my shyness vanishes leaving a vibrant, outgoing young woman that no one would ever assume was shy. It's just the way I am. So if you met me in any of my later years in either the Shadow Creek ward or A-TECH, the idea of my being shy would be unbelievable to you. Indeed, even if you met me in the Harmony Hills ward, it would be hard for you to believe. (I'm not really sure what happened with HH, I think it might be possible that Heavenly Father knew I wouldn't have the time to do my "I'm too shy to talk to anyone" act, so he made it possible for me to overcome it just for that year, that situation).

Anyway, this being shy thing has really been a problem for me in my life. When I'm in an uncomfortable situation--like, for instance, a new ward or school--my entire system shuts down. My frightened spirit flutters around in my body completely locked down, unable to escape. My thoughts are unfocused and panicked, I can't concentrate on anything. The smile that usually so easily graces my lips becomes tight and forced. I can speak to the people around me, but only if they speak to me first, and even then only in short, one to two word answers. It's very stressful, and very fatiguing. I tend to get sick after I get out of said uncomfortable situation, with a headache and such like.

That said, I think you might understand when I say I tend to avoid situations I'm uncomfortable in. It's what prevented me from going to dances, both school and church, for the majority of my youth. I take Dennis with me to the movies so that he can buy my ticket and I don't have to talk to the teller. If I could, I would take Dennis with me everywhere I went, so I never had to talk to anyone. (If I ever get rich, I really am going to hire someone to talk to people for me).

Now, having THAT said, I think you really will understand that the number one thing I hate about moving is going to church. Everything else I can put off, but I have to go to church. Don't get me wrong, I love going to church, I just hate shutting down. I hate the way being shy makes me feel, and any time I enter large groups of people, I feel shy. So, therefore, I hate the way going to church makes me feel. This move this was made worse by the fact that I went to a singles ward for the first time. Which meant that I was a situation that would have been strange any way, and the only person I knew in the entire building was my brother.

Suffice it to say that going to church has not been a good experience for me.

The experience of my first Sunday here was made even worse than it already was by the fact that it was Fast Sunday. I love Fast Sunday's, because they make me feel great spiritually, but they make me feel terrible physically. I get sick from it. So, I was sick for the majority of my first Sunday here.

My second Sunday I didn't attend church. I just couldn't. After my first Sunday, I just... I couldn't do it again. It hurt too much, I was too exhausted. Plus, Dennis was at a National Guard thing, so I would have been all alone. I just couldn't deal with it. It made my heart ache, missing church, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go it alone. But I made a promise with myself, and with my God, that if I stayed home that Sunday, I would go every other Sunday this summer.

So, against my better judgement, I went to church yesterday. And you know what? It was better. Dennis and I found out that we had gone to the wrong ward that first Sunday. (Two singles wards meet in the same building at the same time) We went to the correct ward, and everything was just... better. I wasn't trapped. I still couldn't really speak up, but I wasn't in complete lock down. I was still shy, but I wasn't surrounded by an iron wall. I don't know if it was because the ward was more welcoming, or if it was because I had asked Heavenly Father to make it better. It just was. :D